One of the recurrent memes we hear from various soccerspheric imbeciles, particularly (but not limited to) bloggers and fans affiliated with certain of our newer MLS brethren (I don't want to name any names cough*Seattle*Toronto*cough*) goes something like this:
"Yeah, sure, everybody's grateful that the Hunt family – in conjunction with Phil Anschutz – spent maybe hundred million bucks of their own money – cash that they could have used buying yachts and islands and stuff – propping up a soccer league which everyone said was a joke, but now that WE'RE here with all of our wonderfulness it's time to get rid of these old dumbasses because WE know what we're doing far better than stingy, miserly, hopelessly ignorant Hunt Sports does."
To all you you, let me just point out that for the second time in three seasons Clark Hunt has a team in the MLS Cup game.
What's your team doing next weekend?
Also worth noting – and again for the second time in three seasons – MLS goes into the Championship game with the guarantee that the team flying home from Toronto on Monday morning with the Philip Anschutz Trophy in it's own seat (fortunately, since it'll be flying out of Canada, it won't have to submit to having it's junk displayed to a civil servant via a backscatter x-ray) will an MLS "Original Ten" team doing so for the very first time.
Is this a great league or what?
Of course many of the same aforementioned brainless twatwaffles will also bemoan this turn of events, pointing to it as just another example of the pernicious "forced parity" which prevents our "scared little league" (actual quotes from actual witless clown) from joining the ranks of the worlds' great leagues, where three or four teams are the only ones who can ever hope to win the crown and everyone else engages in a season long battle to avoid being kicked downstairs to a lesser league.
So let's see if I have this right:
If the choices are a) the possibility of my favorite team winning a Cup next season or b) my favorite team having literally no chance of ever winning a Cup in my lifetime, I'm supposed to gleefully select "b".
That's not "forced parity". Rather, it's "willful stupidity".
And with all due respect to Los Angeles fans – which is to say "eh, who cares?" – who amongst us is cold hearted enough not to have been rooting for Dallas last night?
Back when Bruce Arena quit the US job and signed on with New York I commented that now we could all go back to the natural order of things, ie. hating Bruce Arena.
For eight long, lonely years we were forced to actually like that smug, arrogant, stick-up-his-ass jerk with the perpetual sneer on his face. Fortunately, those days are over and there's nothing more enjoyable than laughing at his discomfort.
Toss in a few complete wastes of flesh like David "How Does My Hair Look?" Beckham and alleged human being Dema Kovalenko, throw in the fact that they play in LA, world capital of We're Better Than You Land, and they're just not a very lovable bunch.
Plus, come on: lowly old Dallas, 15 years without even a sniff at a final, against the MLS version of Bluto (the Popeye one, not the Animal House one)?
In fact, as teams were eliminated one by one, the FC Dallas fanbase swelled, as soccer fans all across the fruited plain were able to console themselves with: "Well, if my guys aren't going to win it, then I hope those poor schmucks can finally get off the schnied".
(Sorry Rapids; it's not that anyone actively dislikes you, really. But they never made you play in Dragon Stadium, either. Anyway, you guys lost me when you switched from that awesome and unique green primary jersey color – remember the last Kappa version, the one cut exactly like the Italian National Team wore? Utterly killer – an went with that pedestrian blue. Little things mean a lot.)
It should of course be noted that unlike in 2008 when two finals virgins – as if anything and anybody in New York/New Jersey warrants that particular moniker – competed for the Cup, Colorado has of course been there once before, in 1997, when they lost to the leagues' 800 pound gorilla, DC United, coached by – yes, Bruce Arena.
(Note to parity junkies: the previous year they finished dead last in the league.)
That was so long ago that the team featured Steve Trittshuh, Denis Hamlett, Marcelo Balboa and Paul Bravo, a frightening thought all by itself.
Interestingly, the team that the Rapids beat to get into that final was Dallas.
One could also note that now that all of the leagues Fancy-Shmansy, High Priced, bursting with superstars teams have been sent to clean out their lockers – the two highest paid players on the field next Sunday will be Dallas' David Ferreira and Colorados' Conor Casey, neither of whom make $400k – they're left with only the same question once posd by a timeless prophet:
"Is that all you get for your money?"