UNREALITY CHECK

State of the Union Speech-o-Matic

Just fill in the blanks and let the statesmanlike oration begin.

You’re Jean-Claude Juncker, a Luxembourgish EU bigwig. You have a State of the Union speech to write and deliver on Wednesday. You’re having trouble getting inspired? Fear not: Here’s a handy, fill-in-the-blanks rhetorical template for any political occasion:

Mr. President, [courtesy title] [other President(s)], my fellow [plural noun], [adjective] [holders of high office], [other officials], and of course, last but not least, people of Europe.

It is with a [piquant adjective] sense of [modestly descriptive noun] that I come before you today in this glorious [city in which one or more EU institutions is based] to talk about our [term of endearment] European project.

The state of the European Union is [expectation-dampening adjective]. We have shown we can [verb] [adverb] in the face of [attention-getting-but-not-alarming adjective] challenges. But we still face more [metaphorical reference to hard work that pays off].

Europe is at a [geographical feature implying an important choice between different courses of action]. Some say we face a [word less scary than crisis] of [something that implies important but still manageable] proportions. Others, including many [dismissive reference to Euroskeptics] in this audience, argue that we should just [active verb] off.

But we shouldn’t allow ourselves to become [emotion] by a sense of [comically long German noun that describes the complex interplay of several concepts at once].

Rather, we need to move beyond jargon and buzzwords, and use language that really speaks to [humanizing adjective] people.

We have to make it clear we want a Europe that is [synonym for smart], [synonym for sustainable], and [synonym for socially responsible] and that creates jobs, growth and competitiveness.

[sudden, unrehearsed anecdote about something that happened on the way to the Hemicycle]

In conclusion, as we say in Luxembourg, “[idiomatic Luxembourgish expression].”

Thank you, and may [deity] [verb] the European Union.

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