Month: March 2019

Jose Manuel “Chepo” de la Torre was named Mexico’s national team coach last night. The signing of every new coach brings the hope and promise of a new, era. Maybe this time….

Chepo will bring a different kind of energy to the Tri. He is young, dynamic, disciplined, and very capable coach who has won 3 titles in his short 5 year career. His fuse is a little short at times. When you win, that’s called passionate. When you lose, it’s called maniacal. There is little doubt he will bring order to the Tri.

The hiring brings some stability to what has been a ridiculous freakshow of “mine’s bigger.” Unfortunately, for Chepo, the chaos has not eneded, and the possibilities that vendettas, hidden agendas and general skulduggery would surface to undermine his tenure are very palpable.

In other words, if de la Torre has success, it will be in spite of FMF, not because of it.

His first game will come in February, at Lambeau Field (is that right?) against the US. Brrrrrr Green Bay!! Brrr Green Bay!! It is not confirmed, and I have actually heard it would be at the Jones Mahal in Arlington. TBD I guess.

Suerte, Chepo.

I'm sure everyone recalls the USMNT promo that ESPN ran during qualifying that showed Deuce doing a goal dance

…and you get to hang your test paper on the refrigerator for everyone to see if you knew that it was a) the only goal the USA scored in the 2006 World Cup in Germany and b) it was the goal that put us level with Ghana in the final group game.

That 43rd minute strike came after Claudio Reyna had been stripped like a prom date by Haminu Dramani roughly 20 minutes earlier on the way to a 1-0 Black Stars lead.

That was when, for a moment, the US actually looked like they had a decent shot at going through.

Somewhat ironically, Italy did had done US a huge favor by laying a serious beat down on the Czech Republic, leaving second place in Group E – and the Promised land of the knockout stage – on the table for whoever prevailed in the US/Ghana match.

The one thing the US was certain of was that at least they wouldn't have to worry about the referee. The game was assigned to Markus Merk, widely regarded at the time as the best game official in Europe, and a German to boot so we wouldn't have to fight the "3rd World Underdog vs. The Great Satan" meme which the team has had to deal with for – well, forever.

But Ghana proceeded to engage in one of the worst, most shameless displays of diving and crying ever witnessed. The merest hint of contact sent Black Star players crumpling to the turf like a man who'd been hit in the head with a 2 X 4.

Bitter? Why no, why do you ask?

The highlight of this remarkably crass effort culminated – as we recall all too well – with Razak Pimpong dropping to the ground as if he was auditioning for the role of "sniper victim #37" in Enemy at the Gate", shown here at 1:20:

The resulting PK, in the second minute of first half stoppage time, was followed by a second half slugfest highlighted by John Mensahs' attempted assassination of Bobby Convey, which effort would have gotten him 2-5 for assault anywhere on Earth but which Merks only saw fit to punish with a yellow.

In Germany* at WC06, as is now standard procedure, all 32 teams had their own bus.

31 of them prominently displayed the country name and flag of the occupants. The 32nd, the one assigned to the USA, did not. German security felt that a US flag might serve as a lighting rod for whatever nasty bastards might be lurking about.

So the US skulked about anonymously, in a plain brown wrapper.

In South Africa, the USA team bus proudly proclaims "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Victory".

In 2006, the winner of USA/Ghana had Brazil waiting for them. It was far from the greatest of Brazil squads- that would arguably be the US 94 team, which certainly ranks with the best national sides of all time – but Brazil in a down year handed Ghana their ass 3-0 and would likely have done the same to a USA team in transition, as the Old Guard (exemplified by Reyna) made way for the Donovan, Dempsey, Bradley et. al. team we're fielding this month.

This year the task for the winner of this match is a bit easier, the path to the quarterfinals a tad easier to imagine.

And whether you or I or anyone else remembers the 2006 debacle, guys like Landon and Deuce and Timmy and Gooch haven't forgotten a minute of it.

Finally, and I'm sorry to have to do this, but I can't help myself:

"Here's to you, Mr. Tatooed – team captain – doing brewskis with The Prez guy – this Buds' for you"

USA.

*Edited after commenter correction. Thanks.

Just a quick break from "All sour grapes, all the time" World Cup bid coverage for a second. If Bill was disappointed by the re-entry draft fizzle, I was devastated.

Was it my imagination, or was this supposed to be a big deal? Or, in the words of St. Frank Zappa, a kind of deal at all?

I should know better – so many expansion drafts in the past have had big name players, almost all of whom were snubbed in favor of cheap role players.

But I couldn't help myself. It all started so beautifully – the Galaxy dumped Kovalenko and Kirovski! Yay! Is it too soon to sneer again about what a great locker room guy Dema Kovalenko allegedly is? Well, he must be, he's been in so many different ones.

And the names that were available! Look at all those stars! So what if they've lost a step or two. If we've learned nothing from the Colorado Rapids, it's that a team of hard-nosed, experienced MLS veterans can turn a bad team into a good parade very quickly.

And the personalities! I'd longed for the possibility of either Conrad, Hejduk or Cunningham playing for the Galaxy – and here were all three! Available! Out of contract! And who knows, we could bring in Adrian Serioux in to annoy Beckham!

The only problem I saw was fighting off the other teams. The Galaxy won the damned Shield! They'd have just about the last pick! What if all the players I wanted were taken by then?

Well, I didn't have to worry about that, at least.

"So, Coach, who will you get to shore up the midfield? Or will you try to get a scoring threat off the bench? And what about all those veteran defenders – you can't be too deep or too experienced in the back line these days. Who are you hoping to get? Who's on the list?"

"Well, Dan, there are a lot of guys there, but right now I'd have to say our first choice would be nobody."

I suppose the intelligent way to look at what happened on December 8 – a day that will live next to infamy. Only two teams even attempted to improve themselves, and those two did it as cheaply as possible.

The other sixteen teams – knowing that 2011 will be the biggest test of the American talent pool probably since the original ASL went out of business – all of which need help, most of which could use a lot, two of which are literally USL teams who now have money to spend – sixteen teams all, independently of the other, decided that, taking into account "many other factors to weigh when determining a player’s worth: age, skill, position, character, upside, contract length, playoff experience, marketing value, future value (perhaps as an assistant coach or some such thing)", thirty-three out of thirty-five of those guys could go suck rocks. It's not even worth keeping them away from rivals.

And this thing has been structured so that the snubbed players get to crawl back to their original teams, with their leverage and bargaining position at a nadir. I'm sure that will be a fun week of phone calls. "My God, you were right," the players are presumably supposed to say, "it is a big scary world out there, and you really are the only ones who want me. I'll play for whatever price you name. Just don't make me leave you ever again."

We'll see if anyone does cave this week. Otherwise, we'll certainly see players picked next week. They'll be offered five figure deals, but at least they'll be picked.

By the way, thanks again for signing that new CBA! I'm gonna go way, way out on a limb and speculate there's not an anti-collusion provision anywhere in this deal.

So, what do you think MLS will have first – free agency, or promotion and relegation? It's a tossup right now.

Andres Guardado is a terrific player. The diminutive left-footer has all the qualities one would want in a midfielder: speed, he’s good on the ball, his passing is terrific and his shot is ferocious. When he plays, he makes his presence felt.

But his playing time has been sparse because his body keeps betraying him.

As good as Guardado is, he is unfortunately being defined by the unreasonable high string of muscular injuries he has sustained over the past few years. Even his World Cup debut in 2006 came to a premature end with a thigh injury. He is an integral player for Deportivo La Coruña, but his tenure in Galicia has been marred by one injury after another. He finally returned to action this week only to play 31 minutes before having to be subbed because of another injury. The team sent him on an early vacation. Almost all of the injuries have all been muscular. And they all have been strikingly similar. His ankles and knees are fine.

Guardado gives it his all when he is on the pitch, which is commendable. But if he aims to continue to play that way, then he has to prepare his body to absorb the stress and friction of his style of play.

I am in no way qualified to offer any kind of counsel to the Little Prince, but it seems that what he is doing now ain’t working. He is still young, at 24, but now might be a good time to re-evaluate his strength and conditioning routine. He has the tools, let’s hope he finds a way to use them for a long time.

I had really lousy fish and chips this afternoon. Just, not terribly good at all. Really substandard. I sort of had a bad vibe about the place as soon as I walked in, and next time, I'll know to about-face and high-tail it. But, the guy already said "hi!" like he was thrilled to see me – which he undoubtedly was, because I don't see this guy getting a bunch of repeat customers. So I didn't want to hurt his feelings just on the basis of a vibe. But I should have. Usually it's the French fries, or "chips," portion of the fish and chips that is more substandard, but in this case, the fries were okay. Nothing pepper and Tapatio couldn't cure. The fish, on the other hand. The thing was a perfect rectangle with breading, and that was definitely the time I should have ran for safety. Ain't no square fish swimming around anywhere, even downstream from Chernobyl. Just a greasy, unpleasant mess of a lunch, and you know what, IT'S STILL MORE INTERESTING THAN THE US WORLD CUP JERSEY.

Ooh, secret sash. Whee.

At least the blue one is awesome.

White with an off-white sash. I'd rather see them wear the eight empty plastic bottles. Without a doubt, the most boring jersey we'll see in the World Cup this whoops, spoke too soon. Boy, when Nike phones it in, they use speed-dial.

So last night Landon Donovan was on a sports talk radio show (a little over halfway through this clip), and – well, if you like mainstream sports talk radio, then it's the sort of thing you'll like. Landon denies looking ahead to the World Cup, something that is borne out by his assist total, contradicted by his goal total. Odds are you, true blue soccer fan, will learn very little from this. That's not what I wanted to talk about.

The next hour – it's not on the podcast link – the host, Tony Bruno, took some calls. And one went along the lines of "Franck Ribery should check into the same clinic as Tiger Woods." Only it was more like "Y'know, Franck Ribery, uh, he should, um, check into the same clinic as, uh, Tiger Woods!"

And at that moment I had a golden, shining vision of our future. Soon, every American soccer fan will sound like that. The more popular American soccer gets, the dumber we all become. I don't think it's simply that calling up a sports talk show diminishes your IQ by fifty points per call. I think we're in the middle of a social experiment that has been developing for decades.

The math behind the theory is simple enough:

p=1/i

where p=popularity of American soccer, and i=intelligence of American soccer fans.

Back in 1950, American soccer had only one fan – Dent McSkimming. He's in the Hall of Fame now as a Builder. Brilliant man. Back in the 80's? If you were a soccer fan in the US, you worked pretty damned hard. There was no middle ground – either you were a dedicated, knowledgeable supporter, or you watched something else.

Then Paul Caligiuri came along, and started us on our current path. Just like a bowling ball in the gutter, we have no way out now. There will be more and more of us, each one dumber than the last, one promotion and relegation thread at a time. Eventually, we'll hit the American sports intelligence equivalent of the Heat Death of the Universe, and we'll finally be as dumb as Dallas Cowboys fans.

We may be living out "Flowers for Algernon," but at least we'll have lots of company.

Women's soccer doesn't seem to be on quite the same path, but it still bears out the theory.

1980's: "Title IX has made possible a whole series of societal changes, not least of which is the opportunity for women to express themselves through athletics. Here is a field where women can be judged by accomplishment, not appearance. We will be able to disprove the idea that competition, sportsmanship, achievement and dedication are strictly masculine qualities. We have chances that women before us did not have, and we will not squander them."

1990's: "MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

2000's: "I think 'Beat' is a fine name for a team, why do you ask?"