[Just a quick note about my future plans for writing the show. In order to present the Raw results on time, I will be writing a quick version of the Report for your convenience. My regular report which will have more detail of the show will be posted later tonight. Enjoy!]
[WWE Raw: 04/09/12]
[We are live in Washington, D.C.]
[Commentators: Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler]
[Opening Segment]
Tonight, The Three Stooges guest star, and CM Punk defends his WWE Championship against Mark Henry.
John Laurinaitis comes out to the ring with David Otunga. He show a clip of last week on Raw and introduces the “new face” of the WWE, John Cena’s opponent at Extreme Rules, Brock Lesnar.
Lesnar comes out and heads to the ring (Cole mentions Lesnar’s career in UFC).
Lesnar says he would like to thank Mr. Laurinaitis for bringing legitimacy back to the WWE.
John Cena comes out and heads to the ring.
He says he never got to thank Lesnar for last week and slaps him in the face. The two start brawling in the ring. Referees and officials run down to separate them. Soon the WWE superstars run down and start pulling them apart. Cena’s lip is busted open. They get separated for a moment before Cena attacks Lesnar again. They separate again, and this time Lesnar charges at Cena. Officials pull Lesnar out of the ring while Cena is held inside.
-Commercial-
[Segment #2]
Laurinaitis is backstage with Teddy. He blames Teddy for not containing Cena and tells him to go get Cena so he can speak to him. Eve show up and says they haven’t had a chance to talk since WrestleMania. Laurinaitis says he can set up a one on one and Eve says to call her.
Brodus Clay comes out and heads to the ring along with Santino Marella for the first match for the show.
Vickie Guerrero comes out. She introduces Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler.
[Match #1]
[Brodus Clay & Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler]
Clay and Santino gain an early advantage, but Swagger changes the tide by clipping Clay’s leg. After the break, Ziggler and Swagger are teaming on Santino while Brodus waits on the apron. Finally Brodus is tagged in and he cleans house before pinning Ziggler with a body splash.
[Winners via Pinfall: Brodus Clay and Santino Marella]
[Time: 7:53]
Afterwards Brodus and Santino dance in the ring.
[Segment #3]
In Laurinaitis’ office, Laurinaitis talks to Miz. He knows he owes Miz for WrestleMania, but tonight is too crazy to grant him anything. Teddy comes back and Laurinaitis yells at him for being late. Cena shows up. Cena says he’s looking for legitimacy. He had to get a wrecking machine who can’t be stopped to face him and put him out of business? He’s just getting started. Normally Laurinaitis would send Cena home, but he wants to face anybody at anytime. Laurinaitis says he’ll face David Otunga. He yells at Teddy to go tell Otunga that he has a match.
Meanwhile, Santino walks around backstage asking people if they’ve seen The Three Stooges.
-Commercial-
[Segment #4]
Santino continues to search for the Stooges. He comes across Kane. Santino asks if he’s seen them. Kane just stares at him and Santino runs away scared.
Back at ringside, R-Truth comes out and heads to the ring for a match.
Cody Rhodes comes out as his opponent.
[Match #2]
[R-Truth vs. Cody Rhodes]
Truth and Rhodes go back and forth for a little until Big Show comes out and interrupts. He shows Cody a clip of last week where Cody lost to Kofi when Show showed him a clip of his loss at WrestleMania. Truth hits him with Little Jimmy for the three count.
[Winner via Pinfall: R-Truth]
[Time: 1:40]
[Segment #5]
Backstage, Santino comes across a giant box marked fragile. He opens it up and The Three Stooges fall out. Santino asks them what they’re doing here. Moe says they’re on tour and promoting their new movie. Santino asks what they have planned tonight. Larry plans on getting hair tips from the Divas. Santino then shows Moe how to do the Cobra, but he modifies it into the “Moebra.” and hits Curly with it. Hilarity ensues.
-Commercial-
Back, and Lord Tensai comes out for a match.
Yoshi Tatsu is already in the ring as his opponent.
[Match #3]
[Lord Tensai vs. Yoshi Tatsu]
Tensai completely dominates Tatsu throughout the match until he’s knocked out after a double handed choke bomb.
[Winner via knockout: Lord Tensai]
[Time: 2:02]
After the match, much like last week, Tensai hits Tatsu with the iron claw submission.
-Commercial-
[Segment #6]
CM Punk comes out to defend the WWE Championship, but he speaks first.
He wants to break the silence surrounding him. Not everybody gets the straight edge concept. He gets that, but it’s a personal choice not made to be cool or trendy. It’s a choice because it is a way of life for him. He tells them how proud he is to be straight edge, but his reasons for being so was something he wanted to keep private. He didn’t want anybody to feel sorry for him or make excuses. He told himself if he made it to the top it was because he’s the best damn wrestler in the world.
Then along comes Jericho. He tries to get in his head, but when that didn’t work he decided to break the privacy he wanted to keep about his father, his sister, and his mother. When his plan didn’t work at WrestleMania and he made him tap out, Jericho took it a step too far. He poured whiskey on his body and smashed a bottle over his head. As he struggled in and out of consciousness, one thought was in his head: he smelled exactly like his father.
Jericho interrupts Punk on the tron. He asks what’s the matter with him. Is he still hung over? It’s hard to get the first taste out of your mouth, but he’ll get used to it. Maybe he’s a little shocked that he unleashed the alcohol gene he inherited from dear old daddy. Is he tipsy still?
Punk tries to speak up, but Jericho interrupts him again.
Jericho says the first of twelve steps to recovery is to admit his addiction to alcohol. He says they don’t see a World Champion in the ring. They see a pathetic loser. When he broke Punk’s vow of sobriety, he forced him to understand what it feels like to be CM Drunk.
Punk says the only thing he broke was a bottle. He can’t break him. All these memories and emotions came flooding back, but guess what his failure is? Not realizing that the dark place he sent Punk too is going to be channeled and used against him. He’s coming after him because this is no longer about him being the best in the world. It’s about him kicking his ass.
Mark Henry comes out as Punk’s opponent.
-Commercial-
[Match #4]
[CM Punk(c) vs. Mark Henry – WWE Championship Match]
Punk starts things up with Henry, but Henry knocks him down. Punk leaves the ring and Henry goes after him. Punk hits Henry with a television monitor and gets disqualified.
[Winner via Disqualification: Mark Henry]
[Time: 0:47]
Punk holds the monitor up over Henry and Jericho comes out. Henry grabs Punk from behind and slams him into the apron. He brings Punk into the ring and hits the World’s Strongest Slam while Jericho heads to the ring with cases of beer. Jericho enters the ring, pops open a beer and goes to pour it, but Punk gets back up and attacks Jericho. Jericho fights back and hits the Codebreaker before pouring the beer all over him. He pours can after can over Punk while mocking and insulting him. Referees force Jericho out of the ring. Punk slowly gets back up and Jericho hits a second Codebreaker. Jericho grabs the WWE Championship and holds it over his head.
-Commercial-
Back from break, and Zack Ryder comes out for a match.
Alberto Del Rio comes out as his opponent.
[Match #5]
[Zack Ryder vs. Alberto Del Rio]
Alberto gets an early attack on Ryder and controls the early portion of the match. Ryder catches Del Rio with knees to the face and the Broski Boot. He looks ready to hit the Rough Ryder, but Alberto avoids it and locks in the cross armbreaker submission for the win.
[Winner via Submission: Alberto Del Rio]
[Time: 1:32]
[Segment #7]
Backstage, the Stooges are still trying to come up with an idea for what to do tonight. Curly has an idea. It’s going to be pandemonium! Curly heads to the ring and Moe and Larry follow after him.
-Commercial-
[Segment #8]
Back at ringside, Moe and Larry head run into the ring. They wonder where Curly is. Larry says he’s getting changed.
“Real American” plays and Curly comes out dressed as Hulk Hogan.
Curly does a decent Hulk Hogan impersonation. Nobody is amused.
Kane comes out and heads to the ring. Moe and Larry run for it leaving Curly alone with Kane. Curly tries to “Hulk up” but Kane chokeslams him and leaves.
[Segment #9]
Backstage, Josh Matthews asks Henry if he has an explanation for attacking Punk after their match.
He has an explanation. Last week he beat Punk by count out. This week he beat him by disqualification. He talked to Laurinaitis and next week there will be no count outs or disqualifications. Next week, you’re looking at the new WWE Champion.
-Commercial-
[Segment #10]
Josh Matthews interviews Brock Lesnar backstage. He asks him if he’s proud to be back.
Lesnar says he’s proud of everything he does. Eight years ago he left WWE. He took WWE to new heights. Then he went to UFC and became their World Champion. He’s damn proud that Laurinaitis brought him back and put him at the top. Cena thinks he’s at the top, but he couldn’t hold his jockstrap. Tonight he knocked his pretty little mouth on his pretty little face. He’s not here to make friends. He’s a war machine and a proud one at that.
A video is shown of WWE Superstars giving their thoughts on the Undertaker/Triple H Hell in a Cell match at WrestleMania.
David Otunga comes out along with John Laurinaitis for his match.
-Commercial-
Back, and John Cena comes out as Otunga’s opponent.
[Match #6]
[John Cena vs. David Otunga]
The match starts out slow, but after a minute it picks up with Cena gaining the advantage. Otunga catches Cena though and the match starts to lean in his favor. Cena tries fighting back, but Otunga keeps him down and poses from time to time. The posing gets the better of him though and Cena fights back. He hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle followed by an Attitude Adjustment and the STF for the win.
[Winner via Submission: John Cena]
[Time: 5:11]
Afterwards, Lesnar runs into the ring and attacks Cena from behind with a low blow. He then lifts Cena up and hits the F5. Just like last week, Raw ends with Lesnar standing tall over the fallen Cena.